[Written May-ish, June-ish, I guess? Saved as an email draft until this blog was created.]
I haven't really taken any time to process what's going on. I kind of like that and appreciate that, though, because I've finally started to learn that when I live inside my head, that's when I start to go nuts.
Anyway, we're unofficially TTC. That is an acronym that is found on many parenting blogs and the like. I'm not even going to spell it out here, you'll have to do the leg-work yourself if you don't know what it means. :) I cringe to even spell out what that stands for, considering it's unofficial. I'm not sticking thermometers where the sun don't shine, scheduling nookie, obsessing, or any of that. More like, going with the flow, seeing what happens, letting whatever do its thing (fate? kismet? butterfly in China?). If we do it, we do it. If we don't, we don't. Not forcing anything whatsoever. (Cringe! I don't talk about sex on my blog!)
The thing is, despite however lase fa ire I am about it, every time I get a twinge in my stomach, or a mild cramp, I'm certain it's cells reproducing rapidly and trying to implant. And I can't help but think "okay, waiting time". Wait to see if I see red. Or instead, if I feel nauseous. (As if it would come that fast.) Should I have that beer with dinner, or hold off? Do I buy tests from the store if they're Buy One Get One Free? If the first test is "no", should I believe it, or try again the next day? Wait until Nick is home from work, or do it myself?
It's a huge freaking deal. Right? I mean, it's completely and utterly life-changing, in a way I can't yet comprehend. But I've heard enough people say so, so it's got to be true.
[Post picked up again on 7/10/09, five days after I learn I am pregnant.]
We took a test on Friday morning. I predicted that I was about 3-4 days from my period, so maybe the test will tell us something. "Up to 5 days before your missed period", the packaging claims. I pee, see nothing, really. Maybe a piece of dust or something, the tiniest of tiny hint of a shadow wanting to be a shadow. But really, it's negative and we don't even think anything of it. Surprisingly, I'm not disappointed, but Nick hugs me anyway.
Took another one on Saturday morning. Wait a minute... that may be the faintest of lines. Barely anything. Like, 2% shaded line. Eh, discard.
Sunday, just enjoy the day. Don't think about babies, cells, pregnancy. I'll probably get my period early next week. (Yay, cramps at work!)
Monday, after work. I pee on the stick, place the cap back on it, and hand it to Nick. I join him by the sink, washing my hands. I don't even look at the test. "I see a line!" Nick says, almost like Seinfeld would. "No you don't" I retort back. Except, he wasn't joking. There is a line. About 30% shaded line, but a line. We re-read the instructions (how hard can it be?) and see a graphical interpretation from the manufacturer. Basically, they say "if it looks like it could be a line, it's a line." They say "if you think you see a line, it's a line." They say "you are pregnant, Lindsay, that is definitely a line".
Holy fucking shit. I'm knocked up!
The next thirty minutes are bizarre to me. I'm happy and excited, scared shitless, already feeling anxious (I have to squeeze WHAT out of WHERE?), and completely stuptefied. What do we do now? I feel like there's some sort of paperwork I'm supposed to fill out or something. Do I have to alert the government? Big Brother? Make an appointment with a doctor for the next day? I realize I'm jumping the gun, but what the hell do I do now?
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